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12 February 2010 @ 01:08 am
#3// JOURNEY (A Brian Kinney Fanmix/Fic)  
Title: Journey
Author: metrickkk
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Medium: Fanmix + Song!Fic (?)
Word Count: roughly 3,000 words
Disclaimer: I don't own anything from the music to the characters. And I'm definitely not making a profit.
Summary: Brian's journey (more like psychoanalysis) set to music.
Author's Notes: I honestly started this project about two years ago, I recently found all of it on my hardrive and decided I just wanted to complete it. Sorry for the lack of pictures, usually there's cool album artwork with these things but, photoshop is really not my forte and I wanted to keep this within things I'm passionate about: writing and music.
Anyway, the download for the whole fanmix is at the end of the post! Please comment if you're taking the file or if you just wanna let me know what you think! :)



1. Hard to Find – American Analog Set

We stay hard to find ‘cause it’s too hard to take it.
And we keep that in mind when we’re older and jaded.
We can’t shake it.


Brian Kinney believes in love, and Brian Kinney believes in relationships. He believes in their existence and he believes in the power they hold over people. He just doesn’t believe they lead to good things. Love doesn’t make you want to break out into song and dance, love makes you want to slit your wrists when your boyfriend dumps you. Love is putting someone else before yourself and that is the biggest mistake anyone can make.

Brian doesn’t need to be burned to know this is what love is. He’s not harboring some unresolved broken heart and he’s never been one for unrequited love interests (probably why he never broached the subject with Mikey). He’s been surrounded by enough broken hearts to last him a lifetime. He’s learned you either break some yourself or have yours broken. Guess which one he chose.

When Brian Kinney says he doesn’t believe in love and relationships, it’s a complete lie. But he tells you he doesn’t believe in them anyway so you won’t try to change his mind. Everyone knows faith is harder to alter than practice.




2. Everyone’s Fucking Everyone – Kevin Drew of Broken Social Scene

I fucked you because I believed there was a truth within the body’s lines.
You fucked me because you were sick of always deciding if you were gonna fight.
Then we fucked them before they awoke because they didn’t really even believe their lies.
They fucked us because they knew karma was the gift from sunrise.


There are two things Brian loves most in life: a good fuck and pissing off breeders. When he met Justin, yeah he had a gut feeling Justin would be an amazing fuck – but the real reason he fucked him was because he couldn’t stand the thought of a gay boy not expressing who he was. He couldn’t stand the thought of Justin being trapped in the breeder world with a bunch of homophobic pricks who wouldn’t know a good fuck if it came and bit them in the ass.

Brian also loves a good challenge. Picking up a guy at Babylon is easy. Getting a kid to come out of breeder world was a whole other story. Not that Brian had any doubts to begin with; Justin did come to Liberty Avenue after all. Brian knew it would take the master to pull the little boy out of the closet.

Brian kept him around after Justin came out to his parents because his gut feelings were correct, Justin was an amazing fuck.




3. Teeth in the Grass – Iron and Wine

And when you give me your clothes, and when we’re lovers at last,
Fresh air, perfume in your nose,
There will be teeth in the grass.


His other gut feeling was correct too, Justin didn’t come without strings attached. Who ever heard of friends-with-benefits without feelings involved? No, scratch that. Justin wasn’t even supposed to be his friend. Justin was supposed to be his late-night booty call, in-and-out, no flirting, no talking, no laughing – just his sweet ass. And maybe his mouth.

Only an idiot would even entertain the possibility of that. Justin came with problems left, right and center. He came with responsibilities, and conditions. Brian felt like he just had two kids. No, scratch that too. Justin wasn’t his child, Justin was like his pet. His admiring little puppy that professed unconditional love and worshipped the ground he walked on.

The cons were beginning to outweigh the pros. Brian wonders if he knew this would happen all along, why did he let it happen? That’s something he’d rather not think about. Psychoanalysis of Brian Kinney’s twisted mind was Linds’ job.




4. In Places, Empty Spaces – The Most Serene Republic

I’m not losing, I don’t care.
I paint you a bed, paint it with greens and whites and you’ll sleep,
Peaceful maybe just for one night.


Justin shivers on his side of the bed, clutching he sheets around his chest. His right hand is curled up, tight as a ball. He’s lying on his side, as far from Brian as possible without falling out of bed.

Brian doesn’t want to touch him, partly because Brian is afraid of scaring him, but mostly because he doesn’t want to do something wrong. Brian Kinney has a stigma about failure and he doesn’t want to fail at this. Every time Justin woke up shaken from a nightmare, Brian would try to hold him and it would only freak him out more.

Brian wasn’t going to feel defeated and he sure as hell wasn’t about to make this about himself.

When Justin woke this time he struggled to catch his breath, but when he did he calmed himself down without help. Brian didn’t say a word; he just inched closer as Justin held his stare. He ran his fingers lightly over Justin’s arm and held his right hand as Justin tried to fall back to sleep.

Justin didn’t sleep the rest of the night and neither did Brian, but they never stopped touching.




5. Calculation Theme – Metric

I’m sick, you’re tired, let’s dance. Break to love make, lust I know it isn’t.
I’m sick, you’re tired, let’s dance. Cold is numbers but let’s dance.
As though it were easy for you to lead me, I could be passive gracefully.


The rules, the games, the sex. It was becoming almost monotonous the way that Brian was trying so hard to balance all his faces. It’s hard to stop being the stud of Liberty Avenue. And it’s hard to stop being the real life super hero of Mikey’s world. That he knew. But what was surprisingly hard was that he wanted to try and make Justin happy all at the same time. Oxymoronic? Probably.

Meeting Justin halfway wasn’t simply moving forward. It was more like trying to walk one step forward, while at the same time being dragged backwards by your jockstrap ten miles. Not to mention the three ton anchor keeping him in place. But Brian gives a shit, and so he’ll comply the only way he knows how. The rules, the games, the sex.




6. We’re Looking for a Lot of Love – Hot Chip

This town’s been raining far too long for me to find my way to you.
You see me everywhere, I see you in my boots and in my hair and in my pair.
For you is such that we could never find a lover way to be.


It was only after Justin left him that Brian’s life gained some stability. Every night went exactly the same. First drink, Brian looks for his first blow job of the night. Second drink and his next trick’s looking a little blonde. Fourth drink and his trick has blue eyes. Seventh drink and he’s fucking Justin.

Brian wasn’t lonely, not one bit. Mikey and Deb could not possibly leave him the fuck alone. And even when he was alone, memories in the loft kept him company.

For a while he fucked everything that moved. He needed to prove to himself and to everyone else that Justin was just a trick who overstayed his welcome. But he found himself less than enjoying the men, so a few drinks would take off the edge. His plan backfired though as tricks turned into Justin and none of them could satisfy him, leaving him another trick, another faux-Justin.




7. Floorplan – Tegan and Sara

I want your lungs to stop working without me.
I think about writing you, I thought about calling you.
What was I looking for? What am I looking for?


Brian never had any doubt that Justin would come back. Brian refuses to call it fate or destiny or any of that other bullshit. He just knew. If he wanted Justin back before, all he would have to do is ask. But Brian Kinney doesn’t do groveling. When Justin came back it would have to be when Justin chose to do so.

Justin is the one who wanted something else. Justin has to be the one to learn he was wrong.

When Justin showed up at Vanguard, Brian wasn’t surprised. He’d been expecting it for weeks since bumping into Sunshine night after night at Babylon’s backroom. He never propositioned Justin. Justin had to make the first move.

Brian will never let anyone except Justin know how much Justin leaving had hurt. People may think they know and they may suspect and think they know better than Brian does himself, but no. Brian alone will know how much Justin matters.




8. Golden Train – Justin Nozuka

Don’t you wake up yet, give me some time to watch you sleep, oh angel of mine.
And I, I’d be fine, as long as you’re near me, oh angel of mine.
But if tomorrow a golden train came to take you away,
Would you go or would you stay?


Justin’s usually up before Brian is, or so Justin thinks. When Justin gets up first, he likes to take out his sketch book, sit cross-legged on the bed and sketch Brian in the early morning light filtering through the blinds of the bedroom. Brian’s just pretending to be asleep, he wonders if Justin realizes.

Brian is usually always up before Justin is. He may act like he’s seventeen, but he’s not spared from age’s effect on sleeping patterns. When Brian gets up before Justin every morning, he likes to spend the little amount of time he has just watching Justin sleep. It’ll be the secret he drags with him to his grave, but Brian likes seeing Justin immobile.

He’s in one place, not moving too fast, and perfectly content to lie in bed. He’s not asking for more than Brian will give, he’s not falling in love with good-for-nothing violinists, or working as a vigilante. He’s just content to stay there with Brian.




9. Relief Next to Me – Tegan and Sara

In the dark, I’m just no good at giving relief. In the dark, it won’t be easy to find relief.
And I’m not proud that nothing will seem easy about me.
But I promise this, I won’t go my whole life telling you I don’t need.


Brian doesn’t enjoy being dependent. He relishes in taking care of people, sheltering them and showering them with gifts while they shower him in scornful adoration. So letting Justin take care of him was just about the most annoying thing that Brian could think of. As if Brian needed another reminder of just how old he was getting.

Things were never the same after that. If anyone thought that letting Justin take care of him was going to change him, making him see them as equals, they were sorely mistaken. All Brian could think about after the whole ordeal was being on top again (figuratively speaking). He pushed himself harder, willed himself back to perfect health and prayed beyond reason that Justin would never have to see him throw up from anything besides alcohol ever again.




10. The Limit to Your Love – Feist

There’s a limit to your love, like a waterfall in slow motion.
Like a map with no ocean, there’s a limit to your love.
I can’t read your smile, it should be written on your face.
I’m piecing it together, there’s something out of place.


The second time Justin leaves him, Brian is proud. At least this time it’s not for a lie-spewing romantic. This time it’s because Justin knows what he wants, knows what he doesn’t want, and realizes how he’s going to get it. Brian’s not upset, he knew this day would come all along and the way it happened, he’s proud of himself too. No yelling, no bullshit, no cliffs.

Brian won’t get melodramatic and go on a spiel about how he knew no one could love him, and how he knew one day Justin would get sick of him. He’s not going to give Mikey, the pseudo-psychologist, any ammo for his bullshit child-trauma theories.

Brian knows he deserves to be loved, and he knows how he feels about Justin as well. He just doesn’t understand why Justin doesn’t know it.




11. Like a Star – Corinne Bailey Rae

Still I want to know why it is, I don’t argue like this with anyone but you.
I have come to understand the way it is, it’s not a secret anymore.
‘Cause we’ve been through that before.
From tonight I know that you’re the only one.


When Justin doesn’t take Brian seriously the first time he says it, Brian isn’t too surprised. Even when Brian first said it himself, it came way too easily. If he himself, the biggest disbeliever, didn’t buy it, how could he expect Justin to buy it? Justin had the most reason not to take him seriously.

So Brian pulls all the stops. He proposes marriage, he buys the stepford fag dream house. He uses all the words: my prince, love, devotion and admiration all rolled into one convenient package. Talk about lack of character development. Brian knew that it would all come off as crazy, that it would be a shocker. But what other way did he ever operate? The only thing Brian ever half-assed is Justin, and now he’s ready to change all of that.




12. Sun – Mae

The confidence you held in us is the rope we almost hung ourselves with.
At times I wonder if we really took the steps to break right through it.
I know that there were better days, but to see the light and to feel the rays,
Life was always back and forth and we were idling or making useless progress.


Brian questions what it is about him that Justin loves. He doesn’t believe in things like fate and destiny. He’s never going to believe that they were destined to meet, destined to fall apart. Brian chooses to defy even that.

Brian is relieved when Justin calls off the wedding. He doesn’t see any of this as the end; he’s feeling more like himself than ever. He doesn’t have to hide anymore. He’s done confronting every emotion that everyone has ever accused him of harboring. Now he can move forward.

They both know exactly where they stand and exactly how they feel. Brian is relieved when even Justin realizes the dreams and fairy-tale endings that he wanted are ridiculous. Now they’re both dealing in the real world, no conditions and no regrets. No rules, no games, no fear of stepping on each other’s toes. Now they’re both moving forward.




13. Crowd Surf Off a Cliff – Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton

Cursed with a love that you can’t express

If you find me, hide me, I don’t know where I’ve been.
When you phone me, tell me everything I did.
If I’m sorry, you’ve lost me, you better make it quick.
‘Cause this call costs a fortune and it’s late where you live.


Sometimes Brian looks at the rings just to remember. He’s taken to calling Justin at ridiculous hours in the early morning. Two weeks after Justin’s left and seven two AM phone calls later, Justin calls him on it.

“No one else is here, Brian,” Justin tells him with absolutely no frustration or annoyance despite barely being able to stay awake. “Even my roommate’s out.” Brian doesn’t respond, just breathes down the endless phone lines keeping them together.

Brian continues to trick, has been picking up the random guy here and there but never blonde, never blue-eyed and never with a sunshine smile. But Brian still calls Justin every-other night. Tricks are out the door by one. No one’s allowed to stay.

Three weeks and thirteen phone calls after Justin left, Justin tells him, “You should go out, Brian. Just because I’m not tricking doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be.”

Brian’s only release after that is his right hand until Justin comes home for a visit two weeks later. He puts all his time into re-opening Babylon. He buys Justin a ticket to fly into Pittsburgh for the grand re-opening. Justin comes to Pittsburgh, but not to Babylon. Brian handcuffed him to the bed in the loft and fucks him when he gets home.

“You smell really clean,” Justin tells him when Brian unlocks the cuffs.

“Not for long,” Brian replies. And Brian doesn’t smell like anyone but Justin for the rest of his visit.




14. Monster Love – Goldfrapp

I never thought I would return, to be consumed by you again.
Think you’re cured, you’d see it coming, the folly of a monster love like you.

Everything comes around, bringing us back again.
Here is when we start and where we end.


Brian thinks that whoever said it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey, is fucked. How could anyone possibly compare five long years of angst and ridiculous expectations to breakfast in bed at your Manhattan loft? White picket fences be damned, they will never be able to compare to an aerial view of Central Park. The time it took for Brian to get here seems like a blur of large profile business deals, red-eye flights to and from the big apple, and phone bills littered with long-distance calls.

He doesn’t like to think of having reached an end point or any kind of happily ever after. New problems will always arise, and that’s not the pessimist in Brian talking, it’s the realist. There’s no point in imagining some story book ending.

As Justin devours his third piece of French toast and Brian sips his black coffee high above the New York skyline, Brian doesn’t imagine anything at all. He’s since learned to live in the moment and just let each day define itself. There’s no point weighing the hypothetical future consequences, or living in caution and fear of the unknown.

It’s strange for him to think of his life in moments defined by Justin, but when he looks back on the journey, that’s what he sees. Justin brings the good and the bad. But what ultimately happens, the deciding point, is all in his own hands.

---------------------------------------


download:
Journey (A Brian Kinney Fanmix).zip

file password: kinney

Track Listing:
01 Hard to Find - American Analog Set
02 Everybody's Fucking Everyone - Kevin Drew
03 Teeth in the Grass - Iron & Wine
04 In Places, Empty Spaces - The Most Serene Republic
05 Calculation Theme - Metric
06 We're Looking For a Lot of Love - Hot Chip
07 Floorplan - Tegan and Sara
08 Golden Train - Justin Nozuka
09 Relief Next to Me - Tegan and Sara
10 The Limit to Your Love - Feist
11 Like a Star - Corrine Bailey Rae
12 Sun - Mae
13 Crowd Surf off a Cliff- Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton
14 Monster Love - Goldfrapp

- some of the files are in m4a format and I know everyone won't be able to play them so I'm working on getting mp3 versions of them. comment if you need the mp3 versions and I'll reply you when I've got them for you to download! :)
 
 
 
Nicolenicoleeey_x on February 12th, 2010 07:33 am (UTC)
I loved this!

My favorites were 1, 8, 10 and 13.

1 because I can totally imagine Brian believing all those things.

"Brian Kinney believes in love, and Brian Kinney believes in relationships. He believes in their existence and he believes in the power they hold over people. He just doesn’t believe they lead to good things."

This explains Brian to a tee; perfect way to start the series.

8 because I love the image of watching Justin sleep and I like the vulnerability expressed in the last paragraph.

10 because this line just gutted me: "Brian knows he deserves to be loved, and he knows how he feels about Justin as well. He just doesn’t understand why Justin doesn’t know it."

Despite Brian's professions, he, like the rest of the human race, longs to be loved. The last sentence makes me so sad because as displayed in the series, it is just so apparent how much Brian loves Justin, he is simply at a loss as to how to convey that love in a way he is capable of and a way Justin will accept.

13 because its cute that Brian calls to check up on Justin and also, because its porny. Duh. Hah.

I absolutely love this line: "It’s strange for him to think of his life in moments defined by Justin, but when he looks back on the journey, that’s what he sees."

It perfectly conveys just how much Justin means to Brian. Justin is the marker for so many important moments in Brian's life and I'm glad your Brian realizes that. :)

Finally, this mix contains music from like 10 artists that I really like, but I've never heard any of these songs except for "Like a Star" so I will definitely be downloading.

Thanks and great job!
theycalledmeboots: qaf; b/j - adoremetrickkk on February 12th, 2010 10:12 pm (UTC)
Aw I'm so glad you liked it and I could share some new music with you!
Thanks for the sweet review :)
csmarscsmars on February 12th, 2010 02:14 pm (UTC)
your characterization is amazing. what a lovely read first thing in the morning!
theycalledmeboots: qaf; brian - defeatedmetrickkk on February 12th, 2010 10:12 pm (UTC)
thanks so much, that's what I was hoping for!
tammykay715tammykay715 on February 13th, 2010 06:43 am (UTC)
You definitely did one hell of a job with this. Brilliant!!!!
theycalledmeboots: qaf; b/j - adoremetrickkk on February 13th, 2010 07:53 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
your new best friend: QaF :: Justin feeling emosakesushimaki on February 13th, 2010 04:42 pm (UTC)
Okay, this rocked! Yay for giving hard drive clutter a second chance! :D

I loved me part 1 best, but there were a couple of fabulous lines throughout the whole fic that got to me and that I have to mention specifically. I shall quote, yes?

Love doesn’t make you want to break out into song and dance, love makes you want to slit your wrists when your boyfriend dumps you. Love is putting someone else before yourself and that is the biggest mistake anyone can make.
Perfection.

Meeting Justin halfway wasn’t simply moving forward. It was more like trying to walk one step forward, while at the same time being dragged backwards by your jockstrap ten miles. Not to mention the three ton anchor keeping him in place.
I literally felt a big thump reading the last part about the anchor. Loving the pictorial language.

Second drink and his next trick’s looking a little blonde. Fourth drink and his trick has blue eyes. Seventh drink and he’s fucking Justin.
GAH! This hurts so good.

Brian alone will know how much Justin matters.
Slayed me dead. In a good way.

The only thing Brian ever half-assed is Justin, and now he’s ready to change all of that.
Oh, how I love this line so. True and right and awesome.

Also, I might just have to download that soundtrack of yours. Thank you!
theycalledmeboots: qaf; b/j - adoremetrickkk on February 13th, 2010 06:11 pm (UTC)
Wow, your comment made my day 'cause I've definitely read some of your stuff before and found it amazing! So a positive compliment from you means a LOT to me :)
Thanks so much and I'm glad I can introduce you to some new music!
your new best friend: QaF :: group hug <3sakesushimaki on February 13th, 2010 06:19 pm (UTC)
Weee! Mutual fic compliments! Awesome! *bounces*
chloris01chloris01 on February 16th, 2010 01:49 am (UTC)
This is AMAZING !!!

I just quote my fav' :

"It was only after Justin left him that Brian’s life gained some stability. Every night went exactly the same. First drink, Brian looks for his first blow job of the night. Second drink and his next trick’s looking a little blonde. Fourth drink and his trick has blue eyes. Seventh drink and he’s fucking Justin."

It's so painful...and ironic !

"He pushed himself harder, willed himself back to perfect health and prayed beyond reason that Justin would never have to see him throw up from anything besides alcohol ever again."

"He’s in one place, not moving too fast, and perfectly content to lie in bed. He’s not asking for more than Brian will give, he’s not falling in love with good-for-nothing violinists, or working as a vigilante. He’s just content to stay there with Brian."

Brian's love...and relieve...en pain...All in this three sentences.

"He buys Justin a ticket to fly into Pittsburgh for the grand re-opening. Justin comes to Pittsburgh, but not to Babylon. Brian handcuffed him to the bed in the loft and fucks him when he gets home."

I could almost see the picture ... I do not think Justin would complain !!!

Everything is perfectly realistic. You have brought the characters to life, literally!
The relationship of Brian and Justin, all they have lived ... this is just perfect
theycalledmeboots: qaf; b/j - adoremetrickkk on February 16th, 2010 03:32 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked it! :)